How do I deal with a boyfriend that is into transgender/crossdressers?

My boyfriend and I have been together for nearly 4 years now, I found out 2 years ago that he's really into TG/CD. It's really a long story and probably not so important, so I will just place the short version and get to the point. I never was pissed at him when I found out that he was attempting to ';hook up'; with TGs but I was shocked and I didn't initially confront him because I didn't want to do it when I wasn't sure what my feelings were about them yet. I was upset because the bottomline was he was trying to cheat on me....regardless of gender...


I finally confronted him but simply asking him if there was anything he wanted to tell me? When that didn't go anywhere, I told him I knew and what the heck was going on? I never expressed that in an angry manner...I just asked. First of all he was offended and thought that I was intrusive. We talked after he was embarrassed and felt shame and I said it wasn't about what he may prefer, but that he attempted to go out on me like that. cheating is cheating! nothing more was said after our talk, which consisted of he slept with a TG a few years prior to me once and that was it and an explanation as to why he thought the way he did..which goes back to his sister molesting him as a child. but we never discussed it again and i never held onto the fact that he tried to cheat on me. I'm not one to hold things over someones head and I'm a pretty nonjudgmental person to say the least. The few months later, I came across another attempt and confronted him...he went ballistic and again told me I was intrusive. This time, I actually called the person and asked her if she even knew he has a girlfriend, to which she said she did not and was not happy about the situation at all. Interesting enough, her and I became friends and my boyfriend isn't really too happy about that...more jealous than anything really. Over the nearly 2 years I have been acquainted with her, we talk frequently, on each others facebook/myspace, her and my boyfriend are not. She pretty much lost interest in him knowing that he even lied to her about me and other information he gave her about himself and where he lived, etc.


It took basically 1 1/2 years for him to actually come out with the fact that he is bisexual however, it can only be TG or CD as they have to visually look like a woman...with of course the added member there as well. Since then, a little over a year ago, he actually cheated on me with someone that actually lives a few blocks from our home and when I found out of course I confronted him. I thought, that is the last straw, it's the fact that he cheated on me...and it truly was nothing but that! But I have asked him to stop seeking and it won't stop. Then he throws in a wild card of I have a sex addiction problem...one thing I know, is that I never have to worry about him cheating on me with a biological woman, he says that he loves me and there's no other woman that he would rather be with than me. I never thought that I had to worry about looking the other way ever! I don't know what my problem is that I can't just throw his *** out...but I do know that I love him, I do know that no one has ever believed in him and I am not someone that believes in quitting. I know that there is a serious problem with him looking online for someone and I know that I have asked him to seek help in dealing with his urges. I don't know what to do, I don't want him to be who he is not and say you either be gay or straight...the fact of the matter is that he's bisexual and without knowing it from the beginning...who ever he is is the person that I fell in love with and I am one to stand by the one I love. I know he's taking me for granted and I know that he's taking advantage of the fact that I am supportive of who he is...what the hell do I do about him controlling himself though? I'm sure there is more I can provide on information that would be helpful to sort this out and figure out the right advise, so I will leave this at this point and if there is anything else that may help, please let me know.....I just know that I need serious advise because even though it's been two years...I'm still a newbie on how to handle it.....any advise is appreciated!How do I deal with a boyfriend that is into transgender/crossdressers?
This sounds a bit like something that Dan Savage would handle. One of the things I think he'd point out is that your boyfriend is not bi -- he's straight with a fascination with penises. If he were bi he'd be attracted to men. He's not attracted to men, therefore he's not bi.





That said, labels don't actually solve the problem. One thing I didn't see in your question was if you've ever tried pegging him, or perhaps wore a fake penis while you were naked with him. Or have you tried watching transgender porn with him?





In other words, have you explored role-playing with him, or is this the sort of thing that he has to choose between cheating or not getting it at all?





Assuming that that doesn't help, or you're unwilling to do this for him, your remaining non-dumping option is to let him seek out these sorts of engagements as part of your relationship. You could theoretically set some reasonable ground rules, or have a, ';Just don't tell me about it'; rule, where you also try your hardest not to look for evidence.





Regardless, your boyfriend actions have made it abundantly clear that he's going to continue having these sorts of encounters in some way or another. It's his fetish, and it's not going away. You can embrace it in some way or you can dump him. Hoping that he's going to become your monogamous, vanilla dream partner is just setting both of you up for continued pain.





EDITED TO ADD:


Wow. Okay, unless there's something I'm really not getting from your side of the story, you've really tried to love him and his fetish -- and not just in a, ';I love him and his fetish, but it really weirds me out'; sort-of-way that would actually be a buzz kill.





I suppose I'm not sure if finding a TS/TG/CD person willing to have sex with a man and willing to have his woman be in the same room is a bit like finding an unattached bi woman who wants to have sex with a couple and then not see them again -- i.e., it's like finding a unicorn, and thus reasonable people who have no moral qualm about prostitution seek out a sex worker.





Regardless, congrats, your response and support speak highly of you, and he's lucky to have a woman like you -- I find it unlikely that he'd find someone more accommodating without just having a relationship with a TS/TG/CD person.





His response, on the other hand, says that it's not enough. It's not really fair to you, of course, but you love him anyway. That said, I don't see it as terribly likely that he'll suddenly change his mind about sexually seeking out TS/TG/CD people with or without your approval.





So, I imagine you really only have the horrible choices of accepting that he needs sex with other people without you there, accepting that he's going to cheat on you if you can't accept that need, or breaking up with him. I suppose you could both try out denial for a longer period of time, too.





I don't envy you your choices, and I wish that there were the option of somehow getting him to accept that he has a pretty good deal. That doesn't appear to be in your power, though.How do I deal with a boyfriend that is into transgender/crossdressers?
get a boyfriend who has desires in common with you and you will be happier, this guy is way too high maintenance and for the record women cannot change men, i know you think you can but believe me you can't change men.
Either he gives it up





OR





you dump him





Couldn't be simpler!
Have a heart to heart chat and set some boundaries. You both have to accept the relationship for what it is, otherwise it would be better to split
Your bf has a kink. That's not the problem.





The problem is that he's a liar, a cheater, he's immature, he doesn't respect you, he has major self-esteem issues, and is evoking the same things in you, which is an even bigger problem.





Open relationships always end in disaster, so stop pretending that you would find it acceptable to watch him have sex with another person. That is denial and rationalization speaking. There are millions of women all over this world who allow men like your bf to cheat on them, emotionally abuse them, physically abuse them, and lie to them again and again and again. All these women have one thing in common. Low self-esteem.





Take a look in the mirror and ask yourself, ';do I deserve better than this?'; Is the purpose of your life to settle for a lying, immature cheater, or to just ';be in the loop?!?'; Is the purpose of your life to accommodate your boyfriend, or ';fix'; him. Are you really so naive as to think he is ever going to change. Once a cheater, ALWAYS a cheater. You, girlfriend, are in deep denial.





Drop this loser NOW, and save what's left of your self-respect because he is slowly destroying you, bit by bit.